B'Day down the bidet?

So Beyonce has finally released her second solo album this past Tuesday. I have to admit that I was kinda quick on the draw in joining along on the Beyonce bashing bandwagon. I mean, I was all excited when I heard that new stuff was coming, since Destiny's Child's Destiny Fulfilled was very underwhelming after "Loose My Breath." Beyonce was the star vehicle of that outfit anyway. Really. I know you thought about it.

So anyway, after "Deja Vu" leaked out, I was excited. Sure, she's ripping off the same formula that she used for the excellent "Crazy In Love," from the blaring horn section to the guest rap by Jay-Z. But there were a lot of "haters" out there, that touted this being a boring single, and too similar to what she's done before. I gave Beyonce the benefit of the doubt, because a lot of her songs, both solo and with Destiny's Child, had to grow on me before I start liking it. The video was stupid with no focus, but I could look past this due to the song being dancey.

But then other things started leaking. First it was the boring "Stepford Wives'" cover, to the insipid title (B'freaking Day???), and then the worst travesty that has ever entered my acoustic canals, "Ring the Alarm," the supposed second single, leaked. It was at this point that I turned from a Beyonce supporter to one of the "haters." The song is screeched instead of sung, there is an annoying siren that goes on during the duration of the chorus, and I just didn't feel like this was Beyonce. She doesn't do the uber-angry scorned woman very well. And then I saw the video via YouTube. Now I had an assault for my eyes to go along with my ears. The video can be succinctly described as "Whitney Houston on cocaine ("Crack is whack!") gets cast in a bad remake of the first Basic Instinct.

And then Beyonce decided to rip off more movies by performing "Ring the Alarm" at the MTV VMAs, rappelling down from the ceiling in a trench coat. Not only did she seemed to have watched Mr. & Mrs. Smith one too many times, but this also ripped off Brittney Spear's performance of "Me Against the Music" at the American Music Awards. And then Beyonce breaks it down in a sloppy rendition of Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation." Sure, a lot of artists copy what others have done before (Madonna is a prime example of this), but at least they make it fresh, instead of making it look like an obvious rehash.

So with some trepidation, I picked up B'Day. And I was actually mildly surprised. After listening to it four times through, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. "Get Me Bodied" is off the hook, very dancey, very ballsy, and would have made an excellent single instead of "Ring the Alarm." "Get Me Bodied" is easily the best track off the album. Actually, many of the songs seem like they'd be perfectly at home on the dance floor with the bass turned up. "Upgrade U" adds a hip-hop hook to the dance floor. And "Ring the Alarm" put into the dance floor context, also sounds better in comparison.

But for every plus, there is a minus. "Suga Mama," sounds like a weak rehash of Beyonce's "Work It Out." "Freakum Dress" and "Green Light," though hot, sounds too much like deconstructed versions of Amerie's "One Thing" (which sounded like a garbled version of Jennifer Lopez's "Get Right" in the first place). "Kitty Kat" doesn't sound like it should be a Beyonce song. She doesn't pull of sexy yet cute too well. The two slower songs at the end are snoozers (not to mention silly. "Irreplaceable" has Beyonce singing the refrain "To the left/To the left." What is she trying to tell us? Which way Jay-Z hangs?) .

And the last nail in the coffin is the sound mixing on this album. It is all over the place. Sometimes it sounds like the music is mixed too quiet. Then her voice sounds like it is too quiet. And then the greatest horror was the high end distortion that can be heard in the chorus/bridge of "Deja Vu," where Beyonce's voice gets a little shrill, like you were listening to cheap headsets with the volume turned way up. There is no excuse for that!

So I give B'Day from Beyonce a B-. I hope she learns from her mistakes and thus never make a "Ring the Alarm" again.