Feying at the edges (or "How to Make an American Whore")

Over the past few years, I've noticed a small trend. It appears that many males are kinda becoming sissyfied. I'm not saying that there is anything intrinsically wrong with this, as I am a staunch supporter of expanding your horizons and having an open mind and all that jazz. But there is certain things I've been noticing.

A few weeks ago, I was strolling through the grocery store looking for my new favorite nosh, Rosemary & Olive Oil Triscuits, when I come across this older couple (probably in their mid-sixties), being led by a peculiar little boy of about seven or eight (though it really wouldn't surprise me if he was actually a whispily built ten year old). He was leading them around with two of the loosest wrists I've ever seen. You'd think they were held on by string. He talked with a heavy lisp that bordered on becoming a full blown speech impediment, yet he still had a full and lush vocabulary that belies his age. I've seen grown men who spoke in monosyllabic grunts, and here's this boy who looks like he knows the full meaning of the word "petulant," including the word's Latin roots. I could tell he was going to grow up to be one of those hyper-intelligent skinny boys that will get beat upon every day doing gym class during his middle and high school years. I almost felt sorry for him about what lies ahead.

Yet, this is not a single occurrence. Every day I see little boys flaunting floppy hands, waving them around like they have a case of epilepsy that only affects their forearms. I also hear lisps and whines all around me. Most of the time, the parent's seem unaffected by such open behavior. But I also sometimes see boys pointing to (or even carrying) small dolls at toy stores, much to their parent's dismay.

And it's not just little boys that I'm noticing. It seems that there is a downturn in machoness in much of the male population. Many of today's teen heartthrobs are barely prepubescent looking themselves, even if they are in their late twenties. Justin Timberlake may grow a beard to rival "Grizzly Adams'," but take it all away, and you still have a guy who looks like he turned 17. When people like Chad Michael Murray and Orlando Bloom are lusted after, even by women as old as 30, when these guys can sometimes look like they can pass for their children, something is definitely wrong. I read a quote one time joking about how many women at John Mayer concerts look like they just want to cuddle with him, then breast feed him. When did we become such youth obsessed idolizers? I know many guys who are clothes and shoe hogs. I have a coworker who could quite possibly be the male Imelda Marcos. I also know many guys who are overly sensitive. One guy I know even cried after he lost his virginity!

And don't think it's just the males that I'm wondering about. About a month ago, I saw this little girl who was about eight or so running around with her mother at Nordstrom, wearing flared bottom leopard print leggings, and a black, midriff bearing top with a plunging neckline, with belled out sleeves. She had her hair in a ponytail, and was even wearing makeup! It was every pedophile's wet dream. I was obviously disgusted. What kind of mother would let her child go out in such an getup, that I usually see on the hookers trolling around the slums of Kent, Washington? When I finally saw her mother (half expecting a woman who would look like she just came off of a shift at the Deja Vu), I saw an ordinary "soccer mom." What gives? Since when is it alright to parade your child around like a street walker?

I want to blame child "Beauty Pageants." If it wasn't healthy for Jon Benet Ramsey (by the way, where's her killer? Golfing with Nicole Simpson's killer?), then it is not healthy for the multitudes of other girls running around at the age of 10 who are wearing getups that many parents wouldn't allow their daughters to wear if they were 16. I could also blame celebrities like Britney Spears, who "I'll wear slutty clothes, but don't blame me for your children wearing them, because I don't consider myself a role model" attitude is clearly delusional. Of course children will follow you. You can't tell me that when Britney was six, she wasn't writhing on the floor in lingerie like Madonna. Of course little girls will wanna dress like you. So do us all a favor and cover your belly button once in a while. Especially with that bump you have going on now. I don't need to see your pregnancy, no matter how "beautiful and glowing" you think you are now.